n. the act of loving the one who loves you; a love returned in full.
from the archives of #MorningCoffee // 14 February 2021
Nothing has to have meaning unless you let it.
Using tradition (and I classify any public holiday as a tradition) as a scapegoat to participate in something is a lazy way to remove the personal responsibility from actively making a conscious choice behind something.
You don’t have to participate in holidays.
You don’t have to do things for the sake of tradition.
You don’t have to do something just because everyone else is doing it.
You don’t have to go out on the weekends to have a social life.
You don’t have to drink alcohol to have a social life. Or to express your emotions.
You don’t have to do something because that’s how it’s always been done.
You don’t have to get married.
You don’t even have to get engaged.
You don’t have to have kids.
You don’t have to lose sight of your dreams.
You don’t have to lose yourself in someone else.
You don’t have to shrink yourself to make others comfortable.
You don’t have an expiration date that declares when you have to do something.
You don’t have a “best by” date stamped across your heart.
You have a conscious choice behind everything that you do, everything that you want, and everything that you desire.
So make it count and don’t get caught up in the white noise of BS around you that says life is supposed to fit into some kind of blanket formula.
What if instead of blindly following along with public holidays that are centered around commercialization, and cause boatloads of unnecessary stress, you infused your life with personal and intimate meaning?
Just for you, and those you invite into that meaning.
If you’re commercializing love, then I’ve got news for you: it isn’t love. And on a similar note, you don’t need to get the third party of the government involved in a relationship with a marriage.
We are living in constructs and formulas based on how things are and how things were based on… what?
It’s a good practice to question and ask why you’re participating in these belief systems.
And ask why again.
And keep asking why until you have found a conscious choice behind your actions… or you recognize that there is no conscious choice behind those actions, and you simply got swept up in the stream with everyone else.
If you are bored of reading about relationships today, then you should just skip my stories for the rest of the day, because love and relationships are such a fascinating topic to me, and I have a lot to say, and one benefit of today is that it can be my excuse.
Onward to topic #2.
I’m in the midst of discussing the “qualities of conscious relationships” with my coach right now, and asa usual, reflective thoughts are flowing
One of my past coaches sent me an article about the “qualities of a conscious relationship” a few days ago, and I think it’s worth sharing my reflections because – all of our interactions are a relationship of some kind. And what is life if we don’t touch the lives of those around us in positive ways?
And besides, all of these things – though referencing relationships – ripple outward to expand how we show up in our lives as individuals living in our authentic integrity.
Own your shit.
You and only you can be responsible for your personal growth.
If you have wounds, it’s on you. todo the work and heal them. We all have wounds and triggers as part of the human condition, and sometimes things explode and shit hits the fan and everything tumbles down around you.
And sometimes if you’ve only had unhealthy relationship before, the drama can feel normal and safe and comfortable. Because that’s what you have known. Drama is familiar.
But when you work through the dysfunctional patterns of your past, you harness the power to dissolve those patterns and create a relationship from a safe place that is drama- and trauma-free.
It’s on you, but it also takes courage and vulnerability to communicate through the process – creating a foundation of trust that holds together with patience and understanding through the highs and the lows.
All expressions of feelings and thoughts are ok.*
*As long as they are expressed in a healthy way that is not an attack.
In order for fully transparent honesty to exist between two people, you have to
A) have the courage to practice that level of vulnerability in being fully seen, and
B) understand that the other person’s honesty might trigger you.
There’s a delicate dance here that weaves between receiving honesty and processing difficult thoughts and feelings as they come up.
If we find ourselves triggered, then we have the responsibility to learn to communicate that feeling in a healthy way, rather than reacting from a place of defense or aggression.
Because if our trigger pushes us into a negative reaction, it risks pushing the other person to filter themselves in the future in order to avoid conflict.
Too many relationships stifle love and growth and change because people are trying to please their partners, be perfect, filter what’s on their minds and in their hearts.
If you have to filter yourself, how can someone trust you?
Love is a practice.
Relationships are a practice.
Everything is a practice because none of us know what the f*ck we are doing. This specific moment, with these specific variables, hasn’t ever come before.
There are countless variables spinning around us, completely out of our control. Whatever our next action is, we can’t know with any certainty what the exact outcome will be. everything is an experiment. Practice. And nothing nothing nothing is permanent, nor guaranteed.
If we approach life with an experimental and playful state of mind, then when we trip, we brush ourselves off and try again.
With healthy forms of love, we create the space where it’s safe to practice acceptance, being present, forgiveness, and the vulnerable expansion of the heart.
Rather than treat love as a destination, it should be treated as a journey – complex, weaving in and out of thee unknown, lead with an open heart and the curious question:
What would love do?
And lastly, on growth.
Allow, encourage, and celebrate each other’s individual growth process.
Without independent growth, a relationship will go sour. Without growth together, a relationship will go sour.
Just because you have found safety, security, comfort, or familiarity in a partner doesn’t mean that the journey has ended. It doesn’t mean that you should let yourself go and settle down into a life devoid of expansion.
It’s ok to grow and to change. What is life without it?
But it’s easy to stop because what if you change and your partner no longer likes who you’ll become tomorrow? What if they change their mind? What if you change your mind? What if one of you outgrows the other?
What thought loop can play in your mind, an endless list of “what if” scenarios, but what about this –
How much could you expand if both of you were devoted to individual growth at the core of your being, and as a result, it allowed you to grow beyond the capacity of your wildest dreams? What then? What could be possible?
Editors Note: Just like I’ve made a practice of going through old journals to find forgotten nuggets of wisdom, I’m going through old Instagram Stories featuring my #MorningCoffee reflections. Stories – you know, those temporary expressions of an exploration of a temporary truth that live for 24 hours before disappearing into the past. But some of them deserve a more permanent place; those I share here are ones that received the most positive feedback when originally published.
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